Oral History: Robin Sparkles Let’s Go to the Mall: The Beginning

First, I am well aware that Robin Sparkles is not a real person, she is a subcharacter of Robin Scherbatsky (or alter-ego if you prefer) a character in How I Met Your Mother played by Cobie Smulders. I have no inside knowledge and a lot of this will be jokes about jokes (also don’t expect any original reporting).

This is the first part in what is likely to be a series of the History of Robin Sparkles.

I have wanted to do something like this for awhile and am very curious to see if it will gain traction (and I’m a little tired of the Newsroom stuff). I will assume that you have a basic knowledge of HIMYM (the characters and storylines) as to save some space.

We shall begin with Season 2, Episode 9: The Slap Bet

Robin: No, I don’t go to malls! Sorry, I just don’t like malls.
Barney: Why not?
Robin: I’d rather not say.

New York City is probably one of the only places in the US (or Canada) that you can really avoid going to malls. A side note: when does “I’d rather not say” ever make friends less interested?

Ted: Did you get arrested in a mall?
Robin: No.
Ted: Dumped in a mall?
Robin: Ted.
Ted: Found out you were Canadian at a mall?
Robin: Let it go.
Ted: Trapped under a fake boulder at the mall?
Robin: Let it go.
Ted: Mauled at the mall?
Robin: Let it go. And who gets trapped under a fake boulder at the mall?
Ted: Not me in Ohio when I was nine, that’s for sure.

These are Ted’s first guesses, Mauled at the Mall would make for a terrific headline.

Barney: Of course I know. She couldn’t look at us. Her face got flushed. That’s shame. Our friend, Robin, used to do porn, wait for it, ography.

Barney’s guess — not all that logical but very fitting with Mr. Stinson’s character.

Marshall: You know what it might be. This is gonna sound a little crazy but what if Robin’s married?
Ted: Married? What does have to do with the mall?
Marshall: Well, maybe she got married at the mall. Back home in Minnesota a ton of people would get married at the Mall of America, it’s great. It’s a gorgeous indoor golf course for pictures. Numerous fine dining options, and talk about a reasonable price…

Here is Marshall’s guess, but how would that make sense because with Robin’s Canadian history — I doubt she went to the Mall of America.

Barney and Marshall then make a slap bet: Porn vs. Marriage (a classic dilemma).

Ted: You have a husband?
Robin: I was young and stupid and we got married at a mall and we broke up at a mall and I haven’t been to a mall since.
Ted: Why didn’t you get divorced?
Robin: He moved to Hong Kong for work and I was like, good enough.
Ted: Good … good enough. That’s not good enough. You order pancakes and you get waffles, that’s good enough.

Married and broke up at the same place — that’s strange. Also: if I order pancakes/waffles and get the other I’m going to be unhappy. I’m going to try to stop covering the Slap Bet (that could be a whole separate Oral History).

Barney: That’s right, I know your secret, Robin. Or should I say Robin Sparkles? Robin: How do you know that name?
Barney: ‘Cause I know the truth. And I am about to show it to you right now.

The first mention of the name “Robin Sparkles”!

Robin Sparkles: Please, Mr. Johnson, I’m sorry I was a bad girl. Please don’t give me detention. Isn’t there something I can do to make it up to you?

How many porns really start like this? I’m betting “Mr. Johnson” is the most common teacher porn name and this exact conversation happened at least once.

Robin: Porn? I wish it was porn, it would be less embarrassing.

She must have a lot of faith in how she looks during sex because Sparkles isn’t that embarrassing. We have some evidence later that she was started Sparkling after moving in with her mom (her father found her kissing a guy and that freaked him out), we will get into more details of that later

Robin: I wanna stress that I was young… And We alsoI didn’t know any better … And it started out as an innocent modeling job.

A modeling job launched a singing career? That’s awesome and unexpected — how did they know about her amazing singing talent?

Robin: I was a teenage pop star in Canada. … I had one minor hit. I had to go all over Canada and sing this song in malls. For a whole year I lived off of Orange Juliuses and Wetzel’s Pretzels.

Few problems: We know Robin had multiple hits (she had her own TV show for heaven’s sake). Also why would you sing “Let’s Go To The Mall” to people already in the mall — wouldn’t you be targeting people who are not yet at the mall?

I had assumed that Orange Juliuses and Wetzel’s Pretzels were Canadian franchises but they were both founded in the US.

Marshall: This is the 90’s. Why does it look like 1986?
Robin: The 80’s didn’t come to Canada till like ’93.

This is unconfirmed but I do know of places in Europe that is obsessed with old American TV shows/pop culture (IE: Baywatch).

Here is a version (without the intro):

I have the lyrics (from metrolyrics) and will do my comments in square brackets and italics.

Let’s go to the mall, everybody!

Come on Jessica [Is this Glitter! I hadn’t realized this until MUCH later], come on Tori [what happened to Tori? Where is she know? We know about Glitter but not Tori!],
Let’s go to the mall, you won’t be sorry
Put on your jelly bracelets [Are these the sex jelly bracelets or the regular ones? I think I missed this fad]
And your cool graffiti coat [That jacket is awesome, I really hope they let Colbie keep it]
At the mall, having fun is what it’s all about

I haven’t done my homework yet (That’s OK!)
And you know how my parents get (Whatever!)
I don’t care,’cause all my friends are gonna be there
Let’s go to the mall today

Everybody come and play
Throw every last care away
Lets go to the mall, today
Lets go to the mall everybody!

There’s this boy I like
Met him at the food court
He’s got hair like Gretzky [Wayne Gretzky, like many hockey players — see Jagr, Jaromir — had many styles of hair… I’m assuming she means mullet Wayne as that makes the song even better]
And he does jumps on his skateboard [I did not know skateboarding was big in Canada, I would have thought roller blading would be more natural, since many of them are great skaters]
I hope he asks me out [ASK HIM OUT! You are Robin F-ing Sparkles! He will say yes]
Takes me to my favorite spot
It’ll be just him and me
(But don’t forget the robot) [Who would ever forget the robot?]

Dad says I’m too young to date (Lame!) [He just doesn’t like that you are dating guys]
But baby, I don’t want to wait (Let’s do it!)
That’s OK, I’m going to rock your body anyway
I’m going to rock your body ’til Canada Day [Canada Day is July 1, if this song is performed in August that’s a really long time — if it’s performed in June not so much]

Everybody come and play
Throw every last care away
Let’s go to the mall today

I went to the mall with a couple of friends [ROBIN IS RAPPING, this is awesome — MC Sparkles]
I had a whole week’s allowance to spend
I want hoop earrings and a Benetton shirt [I didn’t know what a Benneton shirt was until I googled it and I think it is a type of Rugby shirt? Correct me if I’m wrong]
We came here to shop and we came here to flirt
I turned around and who should I see
Prime Minister Brian Mulroney [Canada’s Prime Minister from 1984-93 so we should put this at the end of his reign… that is still pretty awesome — why didn’t he get a guest role in this?]
He said, “Young lady, I don’t approve.” [I am officially off the Mulroney bandwagon]
So I had to get down and bust a crazy move
Hit it Fred, come on
Let’s go to the mall

Let’s go to the mall, everybody!
Everybody come and play
Throw every last care away
Let’s go to the mall today

Everybody loves the mall!
Everybody come and play (Yeah!)
Throw every last care away (I love my hoop earrings!) [Don’t we all, Ms. Sparkeles, Don’t we all]
Let’s go to the mall today

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~ by realfactsandbeer on August 18, 2013.

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