Stephen Colbert vs. Daft Punk vs. Viacom vs. Van Toffler

I can’t believe I waited this long to blog on this. What an episode, I’ll admit I wasn’t that excited for Daft Punk — I think musical guests waste a lot of time that I could have more Colbert — this turned into a big thing.

My plan for this blog: I’m going to keep score for all the players in this crazy episode — the points aren’t objective… think of it as a Who’s Line Is It Anyway? type thing.

“As you know every year on the report I hold a summer concert series called Colbchella and year after year, it is always headlined by the hottest names in music. Dr. Pepper. T-Mobile wireless and of course Pepsi, the official drink of “we don’t have coke, is Pepsi OK?” well, folks, this year the antiestablishment convention destroying rock-and-roll ethos is brought to you by Hyundai.”

Dr. Pepper, T-Mobile and Pepsi get 10 points each for being involved in a past Colbchella. Pepsi loses 20 points for the “we don’t have coke” line.

Hyundai gets 20 points for doing it this year.

“Hyundai. The silent “Y” stands for youth marketing.”

Minus 5 points for the silent letter.

“In fact, they’ve even given me a sizable check in exchange for which I promise to deliver them the undisputed song of the summer.”

Plus 10 points for the really big check.

“Hyundai presents the song of the summer of the century. It ain’t the heat. It’s the rock-middity.”

Giving Colbert 30 points for the “song of the summer of the century” and 20 for the “rock-middity” (yes, he is a heavy favorite).

“French electro-pop megastars daft punk, the artists behind the hit ‘Get Lucky’ on the Colbert report, was something that was going to happen when we made this graphic. Unfortunately Daft Punk is not here.”

Minus 10 points for Daft Punk for not showing up.

“You see, we booked click and clack over here about a month ago but there was a problem.”

Minus 5 for click and clack, plus 10 for Colbert. I would reward Stephen’s drinking… even though I should.

“You see, this network is owned by Viacom which is also the owner of MTV, Nickelodeon and the popular Pup-Be-Gone line of euthanasia centers although I have to say I’m not sure of that last one is public knowledge.”

Minus 10 for Viacom.

“Apparently — and this is a deeply guarded secret so, shhhhhh — Daft Punk are going to make a surprise appearance on the MTV Video Music Awards.”

Add 20 points to Colbert (secrets may not make friends), subtract 5 for it not being something I care about.

“Now the head of MTV, Van Toffler, is saying MTV had been promised the exclusive rights to any television appearance by Daft Punk leading up to the VMA’s.”

Toffler gets 15 points for supposedly making this deal (just wait).

“Daft Punk says nothing because they don’t talk.”

Minus 20 for Daft Punk.

“But their handlers say they never promised MTV anything.”

Minus 50 for Toffler — he didn’t have this in writing?

“Hyundai gave me a lot of money, okay. A big check. Which, funny story, I cashed.”

30 points to Stephen.

“So I said to MTV, let’s reason here. These daft punk guys are french. They’re not really into exclusive relationships. I thought we could have a menage-a-show and maybe they could do us both.”

15 points to Stephen.

“Although working twice in one month is a little more than the french are used to.”

10 more to Colbert.

“Unfortunately, Van Wilder over here was not into the idea. As he said in an email that was forwarded to me which I don’t really have the permission to read on the ape, so let’s read it.”

5 points to Colbert, minus 10 to Van Toffler.

“His peeps were feeling funky. And once your peeps get all funked, there’s no unfunking them. If that funk spreads past the peep level, soon your bros might be unstoked and then what?”

100 points to Colbert (if your bros get unstoked then they are no longer your bros), minus 25 to Van Toffelr.

“That, of course, is a crushing disappointment brought to you by Hyundai.”

10 points to Hyundai.

“If daft punk were on my show, people wouldn’t tune in to see the VMA’s almost a month from now. That’s how music works. You love a band. You see them once. Then never want to see them again.”

20 points to Colbert.

“That’s why after the Beatles went on Ed Sullivan, they dropped off the face of the earth.”

100 more to Mr. Colbert. And 25 to Ed Sullivan.

“I think Ringo ended up working as a train conductor.”

20 points to Ringo and 10 to Stephen.

Colbert: “So, Ashton, daft punk not being here — did I get punk-ed?”
Kutcher: “No, you don’t fucked-ed”

10 points for Ashton.

For the song: Hugh Laurie gets 30 points, Jeff Bridges takes 15, Jimmy Fallon gets 30, Jon Stewart gets 50, Charlie Rose gets 40, Matt Damon gets 25. Howie Mandel, Heidi Klum and Howard Stern all get negative 50 (for giving Colbert the X).

Henry Kissinger gets 100 points — he was the last person I expected to be in this.

Robin Thicke gets 10 points for saving the day.

OUR TOTALS:
Stephen Colbert: 365
Henr Kissinger: 100
Jon Stewart: 50
Charlie Rose: 40
Hyundai: 35
Hugh Laurie: 30
Jimmy Fallon: 30
Ed Sullivan: 25
Matt Damon: 25
Ringo Starr: 20
Jeff Bridges: 15
Dr. Pepper: 10
T-Mobile: 10
Robin Thicke: 10
Ashton Kutcher: 10
Pepsi: -10
Viacom: -10
Hedi Klum: -25
Howie Mandel: -25
Howard Stern: -25
Daft Punk: -25
Van Toffler: -70

That is probably one of the strangest lists you will ever see on this blog. I really loved this episode, but I have heard people call it the best Colbert Report ever — I think that goes a little far. Thicke drags it down, I wished for more Colbert stuff (we had a lot of filler). November 5th (with Nate Silver) and the day after the election were amazing as was December 6th with Peter Jackson.

Still, it was amazing and I hope you enjoyed it as much as I did.

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~ by realfactsandbeer on August 7, 2013.

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