Stephen Colbert for Pope

With the recent retirement of Pope Benedict XVI this leaves a vacancy and I know just how to fill it.

Stephen Colbert!

Just imagine Colbert on twitter as the pope? His papal adresses would be awesome! Also he is really catholic (unlike contenders Ray Lewis [why would he need to be the Pope? He already talks with God] and Manti T’eo [Mormon and is leaving the Catholics to play in the NFL]).

For those out there saying Colbert isn’t even a Cardinal: I would like to shame you for thinking with your head and not your gut. Cardinal Colbert? It sounds so right that it might as well BE right.

The Huffington Post has our back and here is James Heffernan’s thoughts:

“Furthermore, since I taught at Dartmouth for nearly 40 years, I knew Stephen well as an undergraduate, and I can assure you that at least once a week in his Dartmouth years he was totally stoned.”

Hey, I don’t know what those guys are smoking in the Vatican but everyone seems only interested in what color it is.

“You may say, of course, that Stephen is not even a priest, let alone a cardinal, a prince of the church, and it is only from the college of cardinals that a pope may be chosen. But as a staunch defender of Roman Catholic conservative values, Stephen IS a prince of the church. Furthermore, he is a man of cardinal importance to Catholicism in America, as well as a champion of red state values. Anyone who watches him closely on television can see that his handsome head is invisibly but unmistakeably crowned by a cardinal’s red hat. (In Greek, by the way, the word stephanos means crown.) He is unquestionably the eminence rouge of our time.

“But, you will say, Stephen Colbert cannot possibly be pope because he is a married man. To which I reply that so was St. Peter, the Pope of Popes, the petrus — the very rock — on which Christ founded His church (Matthew 16:18). Scripture makes it absolutely clear that Peter was a married man. At Capernum, we are told, Christ healed Peter’s ailing mother-in-law (Mark 1:29-31), which incidentally may help to explain why Peter later denied Him three times (Luke 22:57-59).”

Colbert will bring back Buddy Jesus (also: now is the perfect time to watch Dogma)

You think Stephen would just let his sister top him like this? Sure she can win a seat in Congress… he is going to be the fucking Pope.

Also since Colbert is an expert on Lord of the Rings and D&D the mystical stuff will come easily to him so he barely needs any training.

This means a bunch of people might convert TO Catholicism… and would Catholics be interested in a new Super PAC?


~ by realfactsandbeer on February 11, 2013.

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