Colbert Report Report

I am doing another Colbert recap.

A note: my computer craped out in the middle of the episode so I finished this post on my phone… Like a boss but please excuse typos.

I will start with a BIG tip of my hat to Colbert News Hub… they do a bunch of really great stuff and I won’t try to replicate what they do. Instead I’m just going to “do me.”

A note: Colbert cancelled his University of Pittsburgh performance (again) this time because of illness. I feel for him and know his fans are really worried about him but I have to think of those students who completed that ultra-complicated puzzle. Anyway it’s probably going to be worth the wait so it will all turn out great.

“Coates Check”
“Which one of us will be black. The answer may surprise you”

Name pun is great, and the local news teaser is also awesome and plays perfectly into the character’s inability to see race.

“Atari has filed for bankruptcy today. But they’re thinking about just taking it out and blowing on it and seeing if it will work again”

That normally works (really trying not to make this sexual and struggling)

The tittle screen also said “Sorry Pitt”

Very classy and good for Colbert and those guys.

“Check your constitutions!”
“Stephen Colbert is right, love the founding fathers”

I love these constitutions and wonder why mine doesn’t have the Colbert is right montra written all over it?

“A second inaugural? That’s like renewing your wedding vows… I’m not getting you another salad bowl!”

A pretty good analogy but I think wedding gifts are a hundred times better than renewing the vows gifts (disclaimer: I have no idea if that’s true but it seems right in my heart and since I’m watching Colbert I really shouldn’t think about what I’m typing)

“It is a freaky bible three-way”

Yeah it is

“Old Hollywood Hussein”

Chilling (and it looked pretty cold) with the pretty people

Clinton swearing in on Sharon Stone’s vagina:

I sort of wish that you could do this. I’m pretty sure the constitution doesn’t say shit abut having to swear in on a bible and wouldn’t the country take you more seriously if you swore on Mila Kunis’ boobs? If you break that pledge America will come after you.

Also inappropriate Presidential groping should be videotaped.

“There once was a man named Barak, whose reelection came as a shock. He raised the taxes I pay, and then turned marriage gay and now he’s coming after your glock”

This is AMAZING. Colbert the poet is awesome, tons of snaps to him (in poetry cafe style). I would absolutely give him poet laureate status.

“We, We We all the way home. And this little piggy is sick of it”

Colbert went on a little rant later that I made no effort to transcribe but it was pretty epic. Colbert is a wordsmith and his show is VERY well-written.

“Find a good looking turtle mate soon”

I’m looking but where are the turtling dating websites.

We get a nice montage of what Romney would have done on day one: obviously it’s not realistic and he was just saying he would do it soon. The ultra-sad thing is that I think a lot of people who voted for Romney literally thought he would be doing that stuff at the inaugural balls (well, he wouldn’t be drinking).

Colbert even laughed durring the Ranch dressing thing!

Colbert swears himself in for four more years of Commander in Opposing the Chief.

I can’t imagine anybody who would do a better job… except maybe actual journalists — nah, Colbert is better.

Also can you imagine being the person who had to get all those bibles?

We get the Threat Down:

Threat Five: The Flu!

This is now personal… Colbert is on it.

“We must quarantine our children immediately”

This was really awesome… we should totally do this (wait, we do? And not just for the flu? Awesome)

Threat Four: Kate Middleton

“Princess Zero… her royal hurlness”

I’m completely OK with blaming her. Damn Brit trends

Also how would that be saying, “yeah, I’m the guy who builds the vomiting robot”

On Subway vomiters:

On a very personal note, DO NOT VOMIT ON THE FUCKING SUBWAY!!! If you are going to do it everyone on the train should be able to punch you in the face. If you vomit ON SOMEBODY in the Subway that person should get a crowbar and an hour alone with you.

Threat Three: Vomiting Robots

“Really science? You know we haven’t cured Cancer yet”

Priorities baby

“We finally found a robot that the Japanese won’t want to have sex with”

[I’ll let you fill in this joke with any good sex jokes, porn jokes or two girls one cup jokes… just get them all out of your system… like that robot did]

Threat Two: Superintelligent Gonorrhea

Hey it spent a ton of time in College

“If you got VD Cefixime (so fixy me) no longer so fixy you”

I also think it’s funny that my phone try’s to correct fixy to foxy. It should know that there isn’t anything foxy about VD.

Threat One: Bears

Obviously they are still a threat. We haven’t forgotten either

Guest interview: Ta-Nehisi Coates

Colbert: You are a black guy?
Coates: Most of the time

That was a really lame joke. We know Colbert is just doing his “I don’t see race thing” let him do it. What purpose did that stupid joke serve?

“People tell me I’m white and I believe them because I like James Taylor”

Coates didn’t seem to know about the whole I don’t see race thing and that is really unfortunate

“A pride of lions, a folk of blacks”

Colbert seems to be trying but this interview is not starting off great

Coates: “This is bigger than the last time”

I have a really hard time believing this but could be very wrong.

Colbert: “What about white children? They have to look up to Joe Biden. Is that fair?”
Coates: “No it is not fair”

Then Coates seems to be bringing reparations into the mix.

Coates: It is payback


After that it almost seemed like Colbert just dropped into his C game. This was a pretty bad interview.

I really have no desire to recap it and am interested in seeing what other people thought of the interview

My guest report is written and scheduled for tomorrow. Good Night


~ by realfactsandbeer on January 22, 2013.

One Response to “Colbert Report Report”

  1. Not that great of an interview I agree but I did just have a conversation today with a good friend of mine about whether or not this second inauguration is a big deal. I found it interesting the race card came out again after not being a part of this campaign but apparently it is a big deal. White me did not know this

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: